13. The square root of -1 = Chuck Norris. ---submitted by b0b 14. Chuck Norris is the real reason why the Soviet Union collapsed. ---submitted by b0b
15. Terrorist send us Anthrax. We send them Chuck Norris. ---submitted by b0b
16. In 1998 a company began producing "What would Chuck Norris do?" bracelets. They had to be pulled off the market because of the increase in roundhouse kick related deaths. ---submitted by b0b
17. Hurricane Katrina and Rita were actually caused by Chuck Norris farting. ---submitted by b0b
18. In the early 80's, Michael Jackson picked a fight with Chuck Norris. After just
defending himself for a while, CN let loose a roundkick that knocked MJ's nose
clean off. 20+ years and countless plastic surgeons still can't get it to stay
on. ---submitted by pz
-Our comments: This is a pretty good one :)
19. Most people put sugar on their cereal. To keep his immune system on alert, Chuck
Norris alternates Anthrax, Salmonella and
Hepatitis C virus daily. ---submitted by pz
20. The word oblivion was invented so that Chuck Norris would have somewhere to kick
people to. ---submitted by Chris G
21. Chuck Norris is the only human experienced in time travel. He has been known to
knock people back into the stone age. ---submitted by Chris G
22. When Chuck Norris plays Hold-em poker. Everybody gets 2 cards and he gets the rest. ---submitted by Jesse R.
23. Chuck is the only person qualified to be a member of an elite group called CN4, a barbershop quartet. He sings all of the parts, of course, simultaneously! ---submitted by pz
24. Only Chuck Norris' beard can prevent forest fires. ---submitted by the worm
25. Four out of five dentists agree that only Chuck Norris can prevent cavities. The fifth dentist was fatally roundhouse kicked when he disagreed. ---submitted by the worm
26. When Chuck Norris hears someone wants a second opinion, he roundhouse kicks them twice. ---submitted by the worm
27. Leap year is every four years because Chuck Norris said so. ---submitted by the worm
28. April Fool's Day was named after the guy who pulled a prank on Chuck Norris, after Chuck kicked the shit out of him. ---submitted by the worm
29. Chuck Norris can lay Easter eggs that are already colored. ---submitted by the worm
30. Al Gore thinks he created the internet because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him so hard he forgot who he really was. ---submitted by the worm
31. While one day walking down a crowded street Chuck Norris got an erection. . . .There were no survivors. ---submitted by Bob Gnome
32. Chuck Norris was once hit by a bus. . . .There were no survivors. ---submitted by Bob Gnome
33. The movie "Being John Malkovich" was originally titled "Being Chuck Norris", but the plot was quickly changed after they realized that Chuck Norris and God are the only two people who can withstand the strain of being Chuck Norris. ---submitted by Bob Gnome
34. Chuck Norris never met a man his feet did not like. ---submitted by pz
35. Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris... ---submitted by Braden
36. If your playing scrabble, and you spell out chuck norris, you win........FOR-EVER! ---submitted by hockeypro91
37. When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool he doesnt get wet. instead the water gets Chuck Norrised ---submitted by hockeypro91
38. Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck
Norris. ---submitted by Monson
39. After saving a bus of people that was stuck on some railroad tracks, one of the
people came up to Chuck and said "Thank you so much Mr. Norris." Chuck
roundhouse kicked him to the face and said, "You don't speak to Chuck Norris
unless you're spoken to. ---submitted by Monson
40. Chuck Norris only fears two things: 1 The wrath of God. 2. The wrath of Xena
Warrior Princess with PMS. He fears both equally! ---submitted by pz
41. Chuck Norris Viewed himself in the mirror. He quickly round house kicked the
mirror into billions of pieces. When he asked why, he replied..."There can only
be one chuck norris". ---submitted by Kevin
42. Chuck Norris Once ate 50 Tacos and Pooped Out a Mexican. ---submitted by Kevin
43. Mad Cows are the only thing that makes Chuck Norris Giggle. ---submitted by Kevin
44. Chuck Norris is really 2'7". He Only Seems taller because of fear. ---submitted by Kevin
45. Virgina Is to Lovers as Chuck Norris Is To Everything Else. ---submitted by Kevin
46. Chuck Norris Only has sex with other men because vaginas bore him. ---submitted by Kevin
47. Chuck Norris Isn't a name...its a state of mind. ---submitted by Kevin
48. THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS CRIPPLED PEOPLE JUST PEOPLE WHO HAVE MET CHUCK NORRIS. ---submitted by All CAPS Mike
49. chuck norris doesnt bitch slap, chuck norris slaps bitches ---submitted by donny and jordan
50. when chuck norris sneezes, god blesses him ---submitted by donny
51. Chuck Norris can See Thru It without drinking Sprite ---submittd by Christine
52. Here is pick up line for all guys:
Is your daddy Chuck Norris? Because you're such a knock out. ---submitted by Quan
53. World War III is gonna be Chuck Norris vs Steven Segal ---submitted by Quan
54. The only jokes that Chuck Norris laugh to are Chuck Norris Jokes ---submitted by Quan
55. Chuck does not use toilet paper, because no shit dares to cling on to his ass. ---submitted by Quan
56. Chuck Norris can give himself a blow job. ---submitted by Quan & Christine
57. Al-Zarquawi only rec'd a few scratches and bruises from the bomb, then Chuck arrived. ---submitted by pz
58. Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun, and won. ---submitted by chadwicke
59. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity...twice. ---submitted by JP
60. Chuck Norris met up with Lorena Bobbit and she was not too fond of him. She tried a chainsaw on him - poor chainsaw! ---submitted by PZ
61. Chuck Norris is so bad ass when he goes to sleep his Beard gets up and kicks Ass ---submitted by Brian
62. When Chuck Norris Drinks Vodka, Vodka Gets Drunk --- submitted by Rene
63. Chuck Norris doesnt tea bag his women he potato sacks them. --- submitted by Mcmahanpride
64. When Chuck Norris saw God he was scared, but his mother said to him that "God is
more scared of Chuck than Chuck is scared of God", he then proceded to
roundhouse kick his mother to leave no witness' to whom he is scared of, Chuck
Norris never gets scared! --- submitted by Cracka Jack
65. The Grand Canyon was created when chuck norris's penis accidently unraveled and
slamed into the ground. --- submitted by frank drebin
66. Chuck Norris doesn't fear death....death fears Chuck Norris! ---submitted by Richard
67. God and Chuck Norris once exchanged jobs for a day when God asked Chuck Norris if he wanted to stay like this forever Chuck Norris replied "No your job bores the hell out of me." ---submitted by Nuck Corris
68. -guns dont kill people... chuck norris does.
-biggy and tupac werent killed by guns chuck norris did.
-chuck norris killed the dinosaurs. --submitted by Chris
69. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the earth down. ---submitted by Nick C.
70. Chuck Norris doesn't fear death....death fears Chuck Norris! ---submitted by richard
71. Chuck Norris doesn't take steroids, steroids take Chuck Norris! ---submitted by Christopher A.
72. When God said "Let there be light" Chuck Norris said "Say please" ---submitted by alex
73. Chuck Norris was born feet first so that he could roundhouse kick the doctor in
the face. ---submitted by Jake
74. Chuck Norris Doesn't have Morningwood, he has morningSequoia ---submitted by Jake
75. Chuck Norris can Clog a toilet with his PEE! ---submitted by Jake
76. chuck norris doesn't sleep with a gun under his pillow he sleeps with a pillow
under his gun ---submitted by caleb
77. After reading the page of submitted Chuck Norris Jokes, Chuck promptly snuck into "PZ's" house DELTA force style, roundhouse kicked him unconscious and smothered him to death with his beard......
Nobody makes BAD.............Chuck Norris jokes!!!!! ---submitted by Len
-our comments: Pz, you gonna take that abuse brotha?
78. For decades, theoretical physicists have pondered the concept of a 2nd Big Bang that would alter the shape and size of our known universe. I am absolutely sure this could happen. Chuck roundkicks Len in the head and releases incredible amounts of compressed methane gas, formed from rotten garbage, unable to escape his thick Neandrathal skull since birth. The force of the released methane would be enough to probably ruffle "THE BEARD", but maybe not. ---submitted by Pz
-our comments: This one had us laughing man!!!
79. Upon realizing the "Beard smothering" was unaffective in eliminating Pz, Chuck Norris Roudhouse kicked Pz's Mother back in time to the moment before his conception. Her head now pounding from the visious kick, she needed some air.
She put down the mickey of Lemon Jin and got out of the back seat of the Pinto
to get some air. When who should arrive, non other than Chuck Norris. He said one word, "booya" and Pz's father was old news, thus bringing an end to the tainting of the human gene pool. ---submitted by Len
-our comments: slam!
80. Being a Conservative, CN got not coverage of his great humanitarian act during the peak of the flooding in New Orleans. Chuck got in his helicopter and flew low over the foul waters. He hung from the landing gear with his toes and held "THE BEARD" out for hundreds of tiny somewhat malformed children to grab on to be taken to safety.
Most of them were thought to be the seed of Len. He used his beard so both of
his hands could be free. His left, to operate the choppers remote control,
invented by him. The right to do an upside down spinning backfist if Len got in range. ---submitted by pz
-our commetns: I wonder if we need a special section just for the Len vs. pz battle of chuck norris jokes? What do you think?
Len: Pz that was pretty weak, let me help you out a little bit..this is how it should
go..
80 #2. Being covert Delta Force, Chuck Norris got no recognition of his great
humanitarian act during the peak flooding in New Orleans. Chuck got in his
helicopter and flew low over the condom infested fecal waters. He hung from the
landing gear with his toes, controlled the helicopters levers with his penis,
floor rudders with his balls, and kept his hands free to stimulate two female
passengers, all while trolling the waters with his beard for any would-be
survivors. When he realized the only surivors left were the bastard spawn of
Len, he decided it would be an even greater humanitarian act to uthanize them.
While all this went on the only time his penis left the controls, was to slap
it across pz's face on the way by.......4 making BAD Cuck Norris Jokes...!!!
Booya ---submitted by Len
81. When jack and jill went up the hill... Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked jack makin him fall... then his beard preciede to break jacks crown ---submitted by Diamond
82. Chuck Norris once had an erection, there were no survivors, only thing left is the Grand Canyon! ---submitted by Daniel K. P.
83. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. ---submitted by JL
84. Chuck Norris went to a nite club once.When he saw Micheal Jackson Chuck yelled 'Hey u,beat it!'.Amazed at Chucks statement Jacko replied 'Ooooooooo ur dead!' and tried 2 moonwalk(er) over Chuck.Chuck side stepped & said 'U asked 4 it buddy' & replied wit a Lift-off Roundhouse kick 2 da face,sending Jacko
straight 2 da moon leaving his nose behind.Chuck replied 'He dnt need dat on da moon' ---submitted by JoneC
85. When Chuck Norris went on vacation in Afghanistan,he came across 2 suicide bombers.Chuck asked them 'Hey u,Who send u!',the 1 answered 'The Taliban!'.Then Chuck gave him a Texas boot inda face,dead.'Who send u!',da 2nd 1 said 'Ch...Ch...Chuck Norris!',Chuck gave him a Roundhouse kick dat ripped open his head 'When Chuck says Who Chuck mean Who'. ---submitted by JoneC
86. what does chuck norris and a circus freak have in common.... they both have 3 legs! ---submitted by jon doe
87. why did God rest on the seventh day.. so he could male chuck norris on the
eighth! ---submitted by jon doe
88. One day Chuck was njoying a meal at Mcdonalds wen the Queen of England came up 2 him & asked 'Xcuse me can u spare me sum change 4 a fonecall?'.Then Chuck asked her 'Do u knw wat happind 2: da Nazis?' she said yes,'& Saddam Husein?' she said yes '& da Dinasaurs?' she said yes.Then Chuck ask 'So if I didnt spare any of them,wat makes u think I'll spare u sum change?,get da f*** outa my face!' ---submitted by JoneC
89. I really feel sorry for all who have lost, and that's everyone, in a game of jacks, dominoes, horse or a PKA karate match and have died not knowing the truth! I know the truth and here it is.
The phenomenon we all know as Chuck Norris is not human. He is an immortal chameleon android. He was created by God shotly after the creation of the universe as a helper to the pitiful human race - to give them someone to respect, to strive to be like, to give inspiration to the downtrodden and the successful alike. He has been known by many names over the millenia. He was Aristotle, he was Gallileo, he was Plato, Alexander the Great, Joseph ( of Mary
and Joseph), David (of David and Goliath) Daniel (who the lions could not eat). He was an unnamed passerby who tore down the wall at Jericho when the trumpet plan was about to fail. He was Moses, Braveheart, and Bat Masterson. Simultaneously he was Ben Hogan, Jesse Owens, Roger Bannister and Jim Thorpe. He was Winston Churchill. Centuries from now, when the world takes a look back at itself, a name that will
never be associated with this phenomenon is Len,or pz. ---submitted by pz
Our Comments: That was a beautiful piece of artwork pz. That should go right on Chuck Norris' webpage!
90. I was about to get in trouble for looking at non government websites on government computers, when I explained to my boss that since chuck norris is a force of nature, i was really doing meteorlogical training, my boss agreed, and thanked me for the reference that could save the lives of thousands of people one day. ---submitted by Seabee890
91. Chuck norris made a rock that even he couldn't lift then he lifted it just to
show who the fuck chuck norris is. ---submitted by Samuel
92. When chuck norris farts an angel gets his wings ---submitted by Samuel
93. When chuck norris has sex he is always on top because chuck norrise doesn't fuck
up. ---submitted by Samuel
94. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail
Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game
Uno. ---submitted by Samuel
95. Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped
and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. ---submitted by Samuel
96. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. ---submitted by Samuel
97. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. ---submitted by Samuel
98. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck
Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef. ---submitted by Samuel
99. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." ---submitted by Samuel
And Pz they are the worst chuck norris jokes i have ever heard. ---submitted by Samuel
100. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. ---submitted by Samuel
101. God may be the alpha and omega, but he's no Chuck Norris. ---submitted by RAW
102. There is only 1 true wonder of the world, and thats why CN has allowed pz and
len to live this long. ---submitted by RAW
103. We have super heros, and super heros have Chuck Norris. ---submitted by RAW
104. CN almost lost a fight once, but then he did a spinning back kick and put god in
his place. ---submitted by RAW
105. Jesus may be "the way, the truth, and the light", but only because CN says so. ---submitted by RAW
